Loneliness on the Path

I don't pretend anymore to be a tough guy because I'm not. I'm one of the most sensitive people I know. Recently my feelings were hurt badly by someone I love. I will try to just talk about my side of things in a general way to protect this person's privacy. When I got sober, I chose life and every decision making process that leads to life. Although most days I experience gratitude for this gift, sometimes I must shoulder the burden of loneliness. Sometimes I'm pressed to choose between a healthy, life-affirming path or a path that leads to sorrow and more self-destruction. I'm not always perfect, but often I choose to take care of myself. Doing the right thing doesn't always make me feel better. I've lost people and things because I put God and sobriety before anything else. I get no satisfaction or pleasure in gloating for doing the right thing. I'm just following the directions for self-preservation and sometimes that alienates me from others. Honestly, it sucks some days telling the truth, living with integrity and cleaning up my messes. I'd rather be lazy sometimes and hope bad things go away. Nobody gives you a medal for being a grown-up and a good person. I could choose to harden myself, not make myself vulnerable to others and withhold the love I feel for people and myself but that wouldn't be me. Like I said, I'm not a tough guy. Sensitive folks like me get beat up and shit on a lot; it's unavoidable sometimes. I don't want to change who I am. I am trying to make better decisions about who and how I love and I am trying to be clearer about my boundaries. Right now I am trying to accept that I've been misunderstood and mistreated. It is still kind of a shock. I feel punished because I am taking care of myself. This person and I will likely never see this situation the same way. I will just pray for my friend, forgive him/her and try to move forward. Maybe the light will shine through and if it doesn't, the truth might come through a different way. Regardless of outcome, my path remains the same: gratifying but also lonely.