Birthdays

I just realized that today is the day I graduated from high school 16 years ago! I'm not sure how that happens but one day you're eating pistachio gelato and the next a decade or so has gone by. My birthday is coming up in the middle of June; I'll be 34. The combination of both of these events is baffling. I guess I'm really an adult now though I don't always feel like one. Last year's birthday sucked. I basically beat myself up and felt like a loser because I hadn't "achieved" certain goals or attained specific material possessions. I know that's kind of shallow. Most of the time I'm a happy camper and I recognize that I have a lot to be grateful for: my sobriety, my family, my friends, the beautiful city of Portland, a cat that sometimes adores me. There have been a lot of changes for me during the past few months--changes that have given me room for contemplation and re-evaluation. My health problems have given me a new appreciation for my body and for a sound (and sane) mind. I have also developed a deeper bond and love for those in my support system...everybody has really stepped up and come together during this financial crisis. It's encouraging to see people sticking together and weathering the chaos.

 I've always been thankful for kindness. In the past, I was so unaccustomed to it that it tended to freak me out whenever I encountered it. I wouldn't say that I take it for granted now or that I always expect it but I try to cultivate it in myself and I seek it out in others. During the past week, I've been showered with so many acts of kindness. People I didn't think cared that much about me have been reaching out to me, giving me extra hugs, calling me up to check on me. It has been so nourishing. Pain is a wonderful teacher and has shown me what I really value--not houses, lots of money, or a boat. I want to live in the path of kindness. I want it to generate from me and move through me from others. Each day I want to feel a little more goodness, generosity, and compassion in my world. That is my birthday wish: do something kind for yourself and for someone else.